grace a Dieu pour la famille
“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”
Robert Frost, The Death of the Hired Man
It’s a growing trend for young adults to live at home for longer — in Canada and internationally. A quick Google search on this topic reveals a slough of articles dedicated to advising parents on how to deal with this situation:
“Parents should not forget it’s their choice to allow a young adult to live at home. It’s sometimes hard to let go of the parenting role, but it’s best to treat an adult child as an adult and to try to replicate the conditions of the ‘real world.'” (article here)
“Set boundaries without feeling guilt; let your adult children plan their own lives; think about the true meaning of help; prepare your children for the world.” (says Dr. Phil)
Or, there’s http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com, where you can purchase “The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home” for only $27.97.
And for the young adults, there are just as many resources geared towards enabling personal independence while living at home.
Needless to say, I’ve been spending some thought on this topic recently. This summer I’m living in my Grammi’s (previously unoccupied) basement suite for free; and thus not adhering to a plethora of internet advice to young adults to contribute financially towards major budget items. Often when I reflect on this I find myself mentally sliding into an attitude of listing a bunch of mitigating circumstances. (“I’m only here for three months before I leave for Oxford.” “I’d contribute if I could but next year I’m doing volunteer work and have no fixed income.” “It’s not as if anyone is losing money because of this — the suite was unoccupied before I got here.”)
While this kind of mindset on my part isn’t strictly speaking self-deception — all these circumstances are actually matters of fact — persistently thinking in this vein means I’m failing to acknowledge the immeasurable extent to which I have benefited from the generosity and provision of my family. Rather than selectively focusing on the facts that make me seem to myself more independent and self-sufficient, how much better to embrace a more accurate picture of my circumstances, and affirm the enormous blessing that my family has been to me.
Brief Tangent:
But if focusing only on certain “matter of fact” “circumstances” can blind me to “a more accurate picture” or reality in the way I’ve just described, I think I have to rescind my previous comment about this not being a proper case of self-deception! (You might actually say that this is a textbook case of self-deception, which wikipedia defines as “a process of denying [in my case: ignoring] or rationalizing away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence”.) The truth is stronger than lies, and this is true even in the service of the Devil. Perhaps the most insidious self-deceptions are those which consist of truths. A hypothesis to test.
The way the psychological stuff applies to my outward behaviour is that, when people ask, I shouldn’t tell them as I have been doing that I’m living at my Grammi’s because it’s less of a burden on my family (though for some reason it certainly does feel that way to me). Rather, I should simply say, “I like the independence.” Because it’s very true that living away from home, I get to enjoy freedoms like a bigger living space; my own kitchen; increased freedom in planning my day; a quiet space to read, work, and study; a space to share with others by inviting them over; my own computer. And blessedly, these are things that I enjoy merely at the cost of food, phone, and internet, since my rent is…nonexistent.
Recently, it’s been super fun to have Grammi, Uncle Nick’s family, and Mum/Dad/Isaac/Luke over for a “housewarming.” I’ve been able to bake bread in my new-to-me bread maker with flour that mum gave me. I’ve spent numerous hours sitting at my big free horrendous-yet-sturdy UsedVictoria desk doing GRE review and working on psss philosophy content. I’ve had Kendra, Megan, Julia, and Loree over for meals. It’s been marvelous. But it’s also been very pleasant to go home for supper, to visit when Geoff is over with Dad, to go on Sunday morning family outings…
One unquestionably positive thing that living away from home has made me more aware and thus more grateful of how much better my quality of life is because of my family’s involvement in it . This summer has felt like the summer of blessings. It feels appropriate that I’m reading through the early books of the OT (Bible In Ninety Days with a few PFAers) in which it is unmistakable how quality of life for the Israelites is directly related to the state of their relationship with God. God promises distinction and prosperity to the Israelites if they fully obey God and follow his commandments (Deuteronomy 28 is exemplary of this connection). It is for this reason that Moses says to them before he dies: “[God’s commands] are not just idle words for you — they are your life.” (Deuteronomy 32:47) Every good thing they have in the promised land is from the Lord — and they have it not because of their own righteousness but because of the Lord’s promise; because the Lord God keeps His word. (Deuteronomy 9:4-6) Although there are many things in these early books I don’t understand, this is a good reminder of i) the steadfastness of God; ii) the importance of seeking God’s face; iii) God’s position as the provider of all good things.
This summer, I am particularly thankful that He has provided me with my family.
serving in oxford 